The Wrong Question

Lately I have been in situations where I have walked away and asked the question, "What is wrong with me?"  I am a very self- reflective person who does not enjoy discomfort of any kind and so therefore when I have a negative experience or interaction with someone I first ask the question, "What did I do wrong?"  There have been numerous times when I have found that I could have done something better, said something a different way or behaved in a different manner.

Over the past couple of years I have been in a few similar circumstances where it seems I find myself on the other side of a locked door after I thought I was given the key to freely come and go.  This has been mind boggling and it has also been very wounding emotionally, spiritually and I have even found physically harmful because the stress of it begins to impact my health.

There have been days when I wreck my brain, spend time in prayer trying to discover the answer to the question "What's wrong with me? What is my problem?"  And I don't come up with an answer.  I am a sincere woman who desires to see people become spiritually transformed.  It is my hearts desire to help other people flow in their gifts and calling.  However I can't seem to find someone for myself with that same desire for me.  Just when I think I have. Just when it seems I have been handed a key that leads me out of the prison of being locked into just making other peoples dreams come true and having the opportunity of freely flowing in my gifts and my calling?  I find out that the locks have been changed.  My key no longer works.  And I stand outside the door asking the question, "What did I do wrong?"  No answer.

This time I pondered and I discovered perhaps regarding this pattern of experiences I was asking the wrong question.  The question could be, "What is wrong with them?"  This isn't a prideful question, I have done the work of reflecting on my attitudes and my actions however I have found that when insecurity holds the keys I will always find myself holding a key that no longer unlocks the doors that were promised to me.  What's wrong with them?  Insecurity.  Not able to see the gift in me or the gift of me and therefore while I think I am standing outside of the place where I was once free?  I realize that it was not a place of freedom after all.  It's when I am locked out that I discover I am the one standing in the place of freedom.

What's the invitation?  The Spirit asks, "How do you respond when it's not you?" My response, I move forward, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and I practice gratitude for the Spirit's grace of preventing me from being a slave to insecurity.